Guilt! More Guilt! Lots of Guilt! That’s one of the things that I really got from the latest podcast, Wake Up To Sleep, even though it was about sleep. But guilt does surround us if our child is not sleeping. In fact, so many things we do as parents and carers to children with additional needs carry around feelings of guilt even when they’re not warranted.
Vicky Dawson from The Children’s Sleep Charity talked about how parents feel guilty when they can’t do something as basic as getting their children to sleep. They feel judged, and maybe we’ve all done it. Perhaps we’ve all once thought, well if those kids had proper bedtime routines…. But it’s a very small minority of parents who don’t care when their children go to bed, so in 99.99% of cases, the judgment is ill-informed. It comes down to what is expected of us as parents how our children should be according to some arbitrary “norm” and we all feel guilty when we fail to achieve this arbitrary gold standard.
Like many parents my guilt started very early with, “what did I do?” and “am I responsible for how my daughter is?” Of course, over time I’ve realised that’s not the case but, intermittently, those thoughts return and need to be slapped away.
Guilt when my daughter has to go to the hospital. This used to much more of a regular occurrence but now we are down to about once a month, so less guilt you’d think. Of course not! In fact, it has got a bit harder as she has gotten older and questioned why she has to go to hospital. We are in transition at this point from a children’s to an adult’s hospital, and although we have always tried to make sure medical professionals talk to her, not at her (not always easy), and try to involve her in decisions, there are some decisions she isn’t actually mature enough yet to make. These decisions may impact on her long-term health and potentially her independence. So with hospitals, there is a decent serving of guilt for putting her through things she hates, and she tells us she hates, but which we know will help her long-term.
Guilt she doesn’t have enough friends. This is my problem alone because as I’ve said before I’m not even sure she is one of those people (unlike me) who needs lots of friends. But as I’m responsible for her social life, then I get the guilt of feeling have I done enough?
Guilt she watches too much of her tablet. Yes, we ration her, but sometimes when she’s been busy and is clearly overwhelmed and needs time alone we do let her retreat. Maybe not perfect parenting but practical parenting and we do have every parental control possible on. However, as her favourite viewing choices are The Big Bang Theory and Friends, I’m claiming this as an educational tool!
Guilt about being happy when I have a break from her. I’ve got over this one pretty quickly when I realised she relishes this time even more than me. Away from parents means she feels grown up, independent and all the things she strives for. No need for guilt on that one.
I could go on but then I’d feel guilty for taking up too much of your time! So let me sum up what I really think about all this guilt. It’s not my fault but it will be at fault if I don’t do absolutely everything I can to give her every opportunity she deserves to live the kind of life she wants to live. So note to self, STOP IT!