My oldest daughter has just moved out of home to go to university. My dream is that one day my youngest daughter will also move out, maybe not to go to university but to at least live in a place of her own. So as my oldest headed towards an independent life I suddenly realized that even she had some gaps in her knowledge of daily living skills. But I know that she will adapt very quickly and be fine. Could I say the same for my youngest daughter with additional needs – I’m not sure.
We have been working on some skills with our youngest particularly in areas like food shopping. She is referred to in our house as the trolley queen because, despite a difficult start where she really needed warning lights, she is now very adept at manoeuvering around the supermarket. She also knows where most items are in our regular supermarket. She is an expert at self-checkout and we often send her in alone (we are of course lurking outside the only exit) with a small shopping list. Contactless cards are surely the future!
What got me thinking about how much we have taught her was that talking to Lisa at Team Domenica in the last podcast she said that often the young people that come to them lack some of the basic daily living skills and I started to question whether this is also the case with my daughter.
How many times have we not given our daughter the chance to do things herself? And it’s not because we don’t want her to be independent or that we don’t think she can do it even. It’s that protective thing that last so much longer I think when you have a child with additional needs. I don’t want her to go into a café and order a drink and be embarrassed because they don’t understand her or for her to give the wrong money. Why do I still take her to the hairdresser when I don’t need to be there. Why doesn’t she look after her own train ticket when we are out? Make her own lunch all the time. Am I protecting her or making her transition towards independence slower and more difficult.
I know I’ve talked before about letting go before but listening to Lisa was a reminder to stop talking about it and do it. I’ve treated my daughter differently. Okay so maybe my youngest has it over my oldest when it comes to the supermarket but that was probably it. My oldest was encouraged to go into shops to order for herself. As she got old enough she was responsible for washing her own clothes. And yes it sometimes meant she had no clean clothes, but she soon figured out the solution was regular use of the washing machine. With my youngest it’s all too ad hoc, I pick things she can do easily not things that will challenge her. Am I simply too hands-on with my younger daughter probably – actually – no definitely. So it’s back to basics, if she should be doing it then from now on she will be doing it by herself. These skills may seem easy and basic to me but to her, they are the first big step towards independence.